“The depressing thing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless.”
Mitch Hedberg, you are amazing.
Hey man, I went to the Home Depot, y’know, the other day… which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying, “Hey, we ain’t gotta fix, shit!”
Home Depot, y’know, the other day… which...unnecessary. I need to go
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something that’s easy to remember. Something like, 222-2222....
refreshed several times and read all of them in his voice…
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I’d taken all my tests at a restaurant because the customer is always right.” so...
Aw man, I love(d) Mitch’s comedy.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, man. I’ll just...
i love him so much. ”Look at the all limes in this God Damn thing… this fuckin’ thing is tropical. Look at the limes how...
“The depressing thing about tennis is no matter how good...get, I’ll never be as good as a...
I’m at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, “Can I use the phone?” I said, “Certainly.” He said, “Do I...
I have a cheese shredder at home, that’s a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don’t call it by its negative name,...
“I used to have really long hair. People thought I was high on stage, because people long hair associate with drug use....
oh you know i definitely just bookmarked this ish. “I opened up a yogurt, underneath...lid...
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it’s dirty. omg. so relevant.
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m...going to ask them where they’re goin’ and hook...